Vanish f-2 Page 9

  I can only stare, no longer so surprised that Cassian might truly care for me. Me and not simply what I am. He’s not my enemy. I believe he wants to help me. Why else would he bother protecting a boy I shouldn’t even care about?

  “You have to let him go, Jacinda.”

  I nod, but the motion is painful, makes my temples throb. “I know.”

  “But he needs to know that,” he says, his voice heavy with meaning.

  I meet his gaze, understanding dawning slowly. “You want me to speak with him?”

  “Once he’s a good distance from the pride, you need to confront him and explain to him that it’s over between the two of you. I know he might be confused after being shaded, but you need to get through to him.”

  I can’t look at him just then, not with what I suspect — that Will can’t be shaded. Would Cassian be as willing to let him go if he thought that?

  Cassian steps closer and turns my chin to look at him. “Tell him to convince his family that this area is dry. That there aren’t any draki here anymore. We’ve moved on. They’ll listen to him.” The implication hangs there unsaid. They’ll listen to him because of the blood. Because he’s connected to us. Cassian lowers his face so close I can feel his breath on my cheek, and the memory of our kiss intrudes. If that isn’t enough to make me recoil, then his next words are. “If I see him here again, I won’t hide the truth anymore — whether you hate me for it or not. I won’t protect him again. Understand?”

  I nod, a lump clogging my throat.

  “C’mon.” He opens the front door to the misty night.

  “Where are we going?” I ask.

  “They’ll probably drop him in the usual spot. I want you waiting for him when he comes out.”

  Chapter 11

  I sip silent breaths from where I hide in a tree, the bark a rough scratch on my bare legs, needles poking me on all sides as I stare down at the spot where intruders who’ve been shaded are always dropped. It’s not far from the public road that carves deep into the mountain, the only official road this high. My heart still thunders in my ears from my mad dash to get here first.

  The patrol moves quietly through the woods, but even so, I hear their slight rustling as they approach. Ludo breaks through the trees with Will slung over his shoulder, Remy right behind him. Wincing, I watch as Ludo drops Will unceremoniously to the hard ground. That had to hurt. If Will is faking unconsciousness and is actually awake, as I suspect, he did a good job masking any reaction to such rough treatment.

  The two draki stare down at him for a moment. Remy nudges him sharply with his boot.

  “C’mon,” Ludo says. “I’m hungry.”

  I wait several moments after they leave, scanning the trees, making certain nothing moves and they are well and truly gone. Will lies on the ground very still, dead still, and I can’t wait any longer.

  I climb down and rush toward him. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s not faking. Maybe he can be shaded.

  I hover above him, holding out my hands in front of me, unsure where to touch. “Will.” His name escapes in a hush. As if I were afraid to say it aloud. As if giving voice to the name would make his being here untrue — make him vanish in a puff of smoke, into the mists that enclose us. As so much of me has vanished since returning here.

  In the gloom, his eyes snap open. I jerk back, startled. He smiles those well-carved lips at me. Lips whose shape and texture are permanently imprinted on my memory.

  I gasp, relieved, and say his name again, firmer this time. “Will.”

  He stands in one easy move, with none of the lingering effects of someone shaded, confirming that I’m right. His draki blood has left him immune.

  He moves toward me, and I meet him halfway — but then I recall myself and what I need to do. I quickly step back before we can come together. Holding up a hand to ward him off, I demand in a whisper, “What are you doing here?”

  “Looking for you.” The sound of his voice makes me tremble. The velvet rumble sends shivers along my skin and tells me everything I already know. He hasn’t forgotten me. He still wants me. I swallow down the thick lump in my throat.

  It’s the same. The way it’s always been around him. The idea of forgetting him and putting him out of my life is easier when I’m not confronted with him.

  “You shouldn’t have come. You risk too much.”

  “Jacinda.” He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “It’s me.” He seizes my hand, tugs me forward.

  And I can’t not have this. Wrong or right, selfish or not. I’ll take this. Steal a moment with him. If only that. I’ll make it last. Make it enough.

  He hauls me into his arms and holds me so tightly I wonder if he might not crack a rib. I look up into the shadow of his face and crave to see more of him, more than what the muted moonlight reveals to me.

  But I can’t. This will have to be enough.

  I press a palm to his cheek, savor the scratch of bristle. My heart swells at the sensation of him, the simple touch of his flesh against my hand. Something I never thought to feel again.

  “You remembered me,” I whisper, searching his glowing eyes in the dark. “You remembered that night—”

  “When everyone woke up confused, I figured out what happened. I remembered you telling me about Nidia and figured that’s what Tamra became. So I pretended I was just as confused as everyone else.” He laughed once, the sound a rough scrape on the air. “My cousins still don’t know what the hell happened to them. All they can guess is that someone slipped them a roofie.”

  “Only you can remember?” Relief slumps my shoulders as Will nods. “Yeah. That night is a complete blank to them.”

  To them. I stare at the shape of him in the deep gloom, at the gleam of his eyes as I let it sink in why only Will is so special.

  The blood.

  “It’s because you’re like us,” I murmur.

  “What?” He tenses against me and something vibrates in his voice that tells me he understands my meaning. More than he would like.

  I suck in a breath, force it down my too-tight throat. “Well, you’re enough like us apparently. A shader’s talent doesn’t work on other draki. You must have been transfused with enough draki blood to form a resistance to being shaded. That would explain how you’re so connected to us… so good at tracking us. You’re like us.”

  We say nothing for a long moment, and I wonder if he’s thinking what I am.

  How else is he different? How else is he not like humans? How else is he like me? Like a draki?

  I shake my head. It’s too much to contemplate. And there’s no way to know. Not right now. I don’t know if it’s something we’ll ever know. But then it doesn’t matter, does it? Because we only have now. For us, there will be no tomorrow. No future.

  “Does it disgust you?” he asks. “Do I?”

  I know what he’s asking, but the answer isn’t simple. “I know you didn’t make any of it happen, and you’re alive as a result… but stolen blood flows through you. Draki were butchered… for you.”

  “I know.” In the dark, his gleaming eyes don’t even blink. “I can’t deny anything that you’re saying. I didn’t know what my father was doing to me until it was over. You know that, right? You’ve got to believe that.”

  “I do.”

  His breath falls heavily. “Sometimes, at night, I feel them. In my dreams.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut for a brief moment and have to give voice to that gnawing fear inside me. “Is my father one of—”

  “No! It’s not possible. Don’t think it for a second. We only started hunting this area a little over a year ago.”

  Relief ripples through me. “You could never disgust me, Will. I care about you too much.”

  His hand moves along my spine and I shiver, recalling myself, and what I’ve come here to do.

  “How’d you find me?” I ask, stalling, telling myself to pull away, to untangle myself from the wondrous feel of his arms around me. To disengage before it
becomes too hard.

  Too hard? I almost laugh. It’s already too hard.

  “This is the third time I’ve been out here looking for you,” he admits.

  “By yourself?” I tense and glance into the thick shadows, almost as if I expect a hunter to appear there.

  “I’m alone now,” he assures me. “I came last time with my family. I slipped away while they…”

  “Hunted,” I supply, my voice hard.

  I shiver at the thought of hunters in these woods. So near the township. Now they have faces. They’re no longer the hazy bogeymen of nightmares. I can see them. His father. His uncles. His cousins, Xander and Angus. They were here. Recently.

  I shake my head, anger rising in me that he dared to come back. He risked so much. And not just himself. He put every life in my pride in jeopardy. “It’s too dangerous for you to be here. You shouldn’t have come. If they knew who you were tonight…”

  I shake my head. Losing him because I can’t see him again is one thing, but losing him because he’s gone, killed by my brethren…

  That, I couldn’t handle. It would destroy me.

  “I just looked like some guy hiking the mountain.”

  “Tamra and Cassian recognized you.”

  “And they said nothing.”

  I nod. “For me. They kept silent for me. I promised I would get you to persuade your family to stop hunting this area.” I inhale a deep breath. “And I promised I would make sure you never came back here again—”

  “You promised that?” His voice lashes me. “To who? Cassian? I’m not surprised he wanted to make sure I never come near you again.”

  I want to deny that, want to say that Cassian wants Will gone simply because it’s the right thing. The safe thing. It’s not about jealousy or possession.

  Closing my eyes in an agonized blink, I say nothing. A short time ago, Cassian was holding me like Will holds me now. I let him hold me. Kiss me.

  With a choked sound, I pull away from Will, feeling like a traitor. Even if it was the loneliness, my own vulnerability that drove me into Cassian’s arms… I liked it.

  Will pulls me back. “What do you want? You want me to leave and never come back?”

  I go unresisting into his arms. I’m too weak. I’ve missed him too much. I thought I could put him behind me, find a future within the pride and while that prospect killed a part of me, this, right now, might be worse. Holding him, smelling his familiar scent, having him for a short time and then saying good-bye all over again. It’s a dive right back into hell.

  I peer through the dark, feast on what I can see of his face. The aching beauty of him. The deeply set eyes beneath dark brows. The hair that constantly rebels, falling over his forehead, begging for my hand to brush it back. His mouth, his lips.

  I commit it all to memory, determined to imprint him on my soul for those quiet moments alone, in the dark, when I can reflect.

  His fingers flex on my arms. “So you’re giving up on us, Jacinda?”

  I search his face in the shadows. “It’s dangerous. Not just for us. For others, too. Countless lives.”

  His hands slide up my arms to my face and it’s too much. His broad palms. His strong fingers so tender as they hold me. My eyes burn. I blink them fiercely in an attempt to dry them.

  “Where’s your faith?” His thumbs gently press into my cheeks. “We can figure out a way.”

  I shake my head. “You don’t know what it’s been like.”

  “Did they hurt you?” His voice takes on an edge, and his hands tighten slightly. “When you came back, did they—”

  “No,” I say quickly. “I’m fine. Not that I don’t deserve punishment. Will, I revealed myself to hunters.”

  “Let’s make it just you and me then. No pride. No hunters. We don’t have to risk anyone else.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Run away with me.”

  Chapter 12

  For a moment, as I absorb what he’s saying, I let hope weave its way into my pounding heart. Me. Will. And nothing else. “How? Where would we go?”

  “Anywhere.”

  I deflate inside. I thought he might have an actual plan. Thought there might be a chance. “It’s just a dream, Will.” I stroke his cheek. “A beautiful dream.”

  He jerks from my touch as if unwilling to take my comfort if it comes with a rejection. “It doesn’t have to be. It can be real, Jacinda. Come with me. Make it real.”

  Frustration rises in me at being fed such an impossible hope. “How?” I demand. “Where would we go? How would we live?”

  “My grandmother. She would help us, put us up for a little while.”

  I blink. “Your grandmother?” This is the first I’ve heard of a grandmother, but then Will and I still didn’t know a lot of things about each other. We know the big things. The secrets. The little stuff sort of got lost within all of that, and my heart aches for all the small things waiting to be discovered if we could just be together. If we just had the time, the chance… if we just led normal and uncomplicated lives.

  “We wouldn’t stay with her forever. My dad would eventually guess where I went and come after me, but she would give us some money to get started on our own—”

  I shake my head, still trying to wrap my thoughts around what he’s saying. “Why would your grandmother help us and not tell your dad?”

  “She’s my mom’s mother and not exactly a fan of my dad. After Mom died, Dad never let her see me. He said she was too nosy. And when I was sick…” His features tighten. “Well, he wouldn’t let her come around.”

  I hear what he’s not saying. Will’s dad didn’t want his mother-in-law hanging around while he was infusing Will with draki blood.

  A pang fills me, thinking how Will must have needed her growing up, a connection to the mother he lost. And then when he became sick, all he had was his dad, who isn’t exactly a warm and fuzzy guy. I picture Will’s young boy’s face, and something cracks loose inside me.

  That loneliness within him speaks to me, finds the place inside me that mirrors his wounds.

  “She’s not too far — in Big Sur.”

  “I can’t,” I say, but the words stick, taste awful in my mouth.

  “You mean you won’t,” he accuses. “Is it Cassian? Have you two…”

  “No,” I snap. “It’s not like that, Will. He’s been a good friend to me when so few are right now.”

  “A friend. Right. I’m sure that’s all he wants from you.”

  “Well, that’s all I want.” My face burns as I recall the kiss. A kiss that was a momentary lapse on my part, a betrayal to everyone, really. Will. Tamra. Even Cassian. Even me.

  He drops his face until our foreheads touch. “So you don’t want Cassian… and you still want me to just disappear from your life?” he whispers.

  This time I can only nod against him. It hurts too much to utter the lie. Being with him — right now — is the most alive I’ve felt since returning here. Since I fooled myself into thinking I could ever forget him.

  As if he senses me weakening, he slides his hands farther along my cheeks, fingers delving deeply into my hair, playing softly with the waves. “Are you ready to give up on us? You really want me to walk down that mountain and never come back? To forget about you?”

  At the stark rasp of his voice, at the scenario his words paint, I tremble. No. No, I don’t want that. But it has to be that way….

  “Tell me, Jacinda. Tell me that and I’ll go. Is that what you want? To never see me again?”

  A sob chokes in my throat, betrays my resolve. “No. No.”

  Then he’s kissing me. Deep and hungry. His hands bury in my hair.

  His lips feel cool, a shock against the perpetual heat of my own. The scald simmers at my core, and I hold myself utterly still. Sensations overwhelm me. He wakens everything in me I’ve been trying so hard to suppress, and I respond, kissing back with equal fervor, an animal starved. For him.

  Sudden conviction rac
es through me, almost terrifying in its total certainty.

  I can’t give him up.

  He’s the other part of me. He gets what it feels like to be separate from everything and everyone, to reject the path others lay out for you. We’re the same. Two sides to the same coin.

  He comes up for air long enough to whisper against my ear. “We’ll figure out a way….” A shudder racks me. He kisses me there, and I’m clinging to him then, fire bursting inside my chest, catching in my throat. He wraps one arm around me to hold me up and stop me from falling.

  Colors race, spots dancing before me in the dark as I’m swept away on the tide of him—lost to the magic of his mouth and hands on me.

  “Tamra,” I gasp, thinking of my sister, of our newfound closeness, “I don’t know if I can leave her.”

  Then something inside me turns, lifts like the flip of a lock. Tamra doesn’t need me. She has a place among the pride. She has Cassian. And maybe if I left, Cassian would finally see what he has in her. Maybe I need to go so they can have their chance.

  Mom, however, is a different situation. True, she’d be glad for me to escape the pride. She might even want to leave with me. But could I do that? Make her choose between me and Tamra? Or am I just afraid to find out she won’t pick me?

  “Jacinda.” Will sighs warmly against my cheek as if he can read my thoughts. “Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking….”

  For now. He didn’t say it, but I hear it. He isn’t going to give up on me. He wants us to be together. No matter how I may try to push him away.

  Elation burns through me. I revel in it and nod slowly. “I need some time.”

  “Let’s meet again. Two weeks.”

  My breath catches. Two weeks. So long. And then I remember that it takes serious maneuvering for him to travel here. It can’t be easy for him to disappear from his family without alerting them to what he’s doing.

  Still, the fact that Will is leaving me again sinks down on me heavily. Two weeks feels like a lifetime. I swallow thickly, cling tighter to his shirt, pulling it from his warm chest.

  He glances around us at the murky little glade where we stand. “Same spot, okay?”