Kissing Lessons Read online

  It was safer that way.

  Nolan wasn’t okay with being used—or using her. Apparently. Obviously. And that was reason enough to stay away from him.

  On Monday morning Hayden woke up early, well rested from all the sleeping she’d done in the quest of avoidance.

  She stepped out of her bedroom and pulled the door shut after her. With her steel lock ready in her hand, she secured it in place and locked her door from the outside. It seemed extreme, but she’d learned the hard way. Three years ago she had come home to find her room totally ransacked by one of her mom’s so-called friends. Some of her clothes were gone, as was her makeup and jewelry. Nothing really valuable, but that wasn’t the point. It was her stuff. She’d worked for all of it.

  She walked past Mom’s closed door, hearing her gentle snores from the other side. She walked down the short hallway, her shoes muffled on the carpet, and pulled up short at the sight of Alex standing in the kitchen in a pair of dingy boxers that hung low on his emaciated-­looking hips.

  He was leaning against the sink eating a bowl of cereal. Her cereal. She’d bought the Froot Loops and milk last week after she got paid.

  He looked up. “Hey there, Hallie.” Milk dribbled down his whiskered chin.

  She didn’t bother correcting him. Actually she preferred him not knowing her name at all. He wouldn’t be around for long, anyway. These men never were. They came and went through her mother’s life like viruses. They ran their course, and she waited them out. Endured. Survived.

  She dropped her backpack on the table and moved to the pantry. Spotting a box of cereal bars, she took the last one. She also grabbed an empty water bottle, filling it up at the faucet. She had to have something to wash down her breakfast.

  Turning around, she gasped and physically jerked. Mom’s douche-date had moved in closer now and stood right in front of her.

  “Going to school?” he asked.

  She nodded, trying not to show her disdain for him. It was a fine line to walk. Don’t look too interested, but don’t be so rude as to offend them either. Many of these men did not like to be insulted. They had egos and chips on their shoulders. They got angry when they were insulted. They got mean.

  “Good for you.” He nodded as though his approval mattered to her. “Never finished high school myself, but I do okay.” His hand moved to scratch low on his pale concave belly.

  “That’s great,” she said mildly, injecting no emotion whatsoever into her voice. He frowned as she stepped around him and she wondered if he had detected some of her contempt. Or maybe he was just more perceptive than the usual creep her mom brought home.

  Hayden circled around him and picked up her backpack from the table. She was heading toward the door when his voice stopped her. “Nice lock for your bedroom.”

  So he had noticed that, had he? He was that guy. Always casing his surroundings. Never had she been so glad she put the lock on her door.

  He continued, “What you got in there? The Holy Grail?” He laughed at his joke.

  “Shoes,” she replied breezily, moving toward the front door.

  “Shoes?” He looked bewildered, his gaze dropping to the very beat-up pair of Vans she wore. Clearly, she was no shoe aficionado.

  “Oh yeah, I’m really into shoes.” Girls’ shoes were the least enticing thing to a man and therefore the only thing she would admit to having in her room.

  She didn’t bother with a farewell. She escaped her house, eagerly making her way toward her car. Even though she would probably have to see Nolan today, she was glad to get away from her mother’s latest loser.

  Except thirty seconds later, sitting in the driver’s seat, she was faced with her all-too-frequent ugly reality again.

  She wasn’t going anywhere. Hayden tried to start her car—and then tried it again. No luck. She pounded her fist on the steering wheel. The living room blinds sprang open and she could see Alex staring at her, still eating her cereal.

  No way was she going back in that house. She dug her phone out of her backpack and sent a quick message to the only person she figured could help her out in this instance.

  Well, except for Nolan. He could help. He would help. That’s the kind of guy he was. Good. Decent. He’d help her even though she’d been sure to push him away.

  But there would be no calling him. No asking him for help. She couldn’t let herself do that.

  Beau answered on the second ring, still sounding a bit groggy. “Yeah, I’m up.”

  He was never a morning person. She had teased him for his grumpy ways all those mornings waiting for the bus—back when they had been friends. “Ah, that’s right. You’re a bear in the mornings.”

  “Are you calling for any reason, Hayden? Or just to bust my balls?”

  She sighed and rubbed at the center of her forehead, hating asking anyone for anything. “My car won’t start. Again. I don’t think another jump is going to do it. It might actually be dead this time. Would you mind giving me a lift to school? The bus has already come and gone or I would—”

  “Sure. It’s fine. Give me five minutes. I’m almost ready.”

  “Thanks.” The line went dead.

  She glanced back toward the house. Alex was still watching her through the blinds, still eating her damn cereal.

  Beau made it in less than five minutes to her house.

  She slid into the passenger seat and sent him a quick glance. “Thanks. I’ll figure out something for tomorrow—” She stopped abruptly when she caught sight of his face and whistled between her teeth. “Wow. What’s the other guy look like?”

  He sent her an annoyed look. “You’ll see soon enough.”

  “Will I?”

  “Yes. You two have been cozy lately, after all. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And vice versa.”

  She stared at him for a long moment, uncomprehending. She would not characterize her relationship with Nolan as cozy. It was too messy to be cozy, but who else could he mean?

  “Nolan?”

  He grunted in what could only be taken as affirmation. She assessed his battered face again. The skin around his eye looked like raw meat.

  “He’s your best friend. What happened?” She held back the rest of what she wanted to ask. Is Nolan okay? Is he hurt?

  “I think it’s safe to say he’s not my best friend anymore.”

  She looked straight ahead through his dirty windshield. “I don’t understand. How can you go from best friends . . . to not?”

  Her chest tightened and prickled. She had an overwhelming urge to see Nolan, to check in on him. Not just on his physical well-being, but his emotional well-being. She knew that if he and Beau had a falling out, he would take that hard. They were close. Like brothers.

  “It’s easier than you think.” His lips twisted. He flexed his grip on the steering wheel. His knuckles were white, so she knew that this was not easy for him despite his light tone.

  And people said girls were dramatic? Guys. Were. Idiots. “Whatever happened, you need to make it right.”

  He cut her a sharp glare and looked back at the road again. “Sometimes there is no fixing things. Once you cross that line you can’t go back.”

  “Cross the line? What line? What did you—”

  “How do you know I did anything?”

  She gave him a look.

  “He caught me with Emmaline,” he admitted in a rush of words, as though he was annoyed with her for making him say it. “I’d appreciate it if you kept that to yourself, too. I could do without the gossip . . . and I’d like to protect Emmaline from it. You know what assholes people can be.”

  She stared at him in silence for a few long moments. “Wow. I mean, I had a feeling that you were into her, but your best friend’s sister? You actually went there. I don’t know whether to be impressed or horrified.”

  “Well, everyone else is horrified,” he sneered. “Because I’m that big of a douche.”

  “Everyone who?”
/>
  “Oh, Nolan. Mrs. Martin . . . they walked in on us.”

  “Just . . . wow.” She whistled and shook her head. “Like I said though. Not surprising.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Because I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”

  He stared ahead, silent for several moments, until he sent her a quick glance and grudgingly asked, “And what way is that?”

  She laughed lightly. “Idiot. It’s the same way you look at her.”

  He trained his gaze back on the road, his fingers tapping away on the steering wheel. “I guess it must be the same way you and Nolan have been looking at each other.”

  That silenced her. She pressed her lips into a flat line.

  He chuckled beside her. “Who’s the idiot now?”

  Lesson #31

  Don’t overanalyze. Nothing kills the mood faster.

  x Nolan x

  Everyone assumed Nolan’s bad mood had to do with his breakup with Priscilla, which was weird considering he hadn’t thought much of her these last couple days. And yet it was easier to let people think the obvious rather than explain the complicated truth. The fact that both Nolan and Beau had bruised faces added to the speculation. No one came close to guessing the truth, of course. Rumors circulated. Most people believed they got into a fight with some guys from a rival school. No one suspected their fight was with each other.

  The truth was no one’s business anyway.

  Not that there was anyone he could confide in, since the people he felt closest to—Beau, his sister, and, yeah, Hayden—happened to be unavailable.

  Emmaline was avoiding him, taking the bus in the mornings. He wasn’t sure how she was getting home. When she wasn’t at his car at the end of the day on Monday, he’d texted her and gotten back a terse reply that she had a ride home. For all he knew that ride was Beau. He decided to let the matter drop. He wasn’t in the mood for that battle and he knew it would be an all-out war if he pushed her on it.

  Emmaline wasn’t the only one avoiding him.

  He didn’t see Hayden at the usual times and places. They often intersected between sixth and seventh periods, but not this week. She must have been taking a different route.

  Beau couldn’t avoid him quite so easily. They had two classes together, as well as athletics. They saw each other, but no words were exchanged.

  When had his life turned into such a mess? He had always prided himself on having his shit together. No drama. No fireworks. He was stable and reliable.

  Guess he was just as screwed up as everyone else, after all.

  With that grim and somewhat sobering realization, he decided to try and mend at least one of his fractured relationships.

  He’d start with Hayden. Somehow, he felt like if he had her in his life he might be able to manage all the rest.

  He wasn’t sure when he would get around to talking to Beau. That pain, that betrayal, was still too fresh. He would make things right with Emmaline, of course. Eventually, but inevitably. She was his sister and he loved her. That would never change.

  Nolan tossed his backpack and gym bag in the back seat of his truck and headed for Hayden’s neighborhood. He passed Beau’s street, but didn’t turn. He wasn’t ready to look into his best friend’s face and think about the things he had done to his sister—with her. Undoubtedly, it was the same thing Beau had done to countless girls. And that only pissed him off all over again.

  Would any guy be ready to forgive his friend for something like that? He knew how Beau operated. The girls he used. The girls whose numbers he always seemed to lose once he was done with them. There was a reason why people called him a player. It was always a game. Never serious.

  Hayden’s vehicle was parked in front of her house. Good. She was home. He parked behind her car and headed up the front walkway. He knocked on the door and then buried his hands in his front pockets, waiting in the chilly air, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

  She did that to him. Twisted him up in knots. Made him feel less than confident. She made him think. Made him think too much. Yes, there was such a thing. She’d made him look deeply at himself. He’d never had that with Priscilla. Priscilla had given him comfort. Hayden challenged him and made him want to be a better person.

  Everyone always told him he was a good person, applauding him for stepping up when his dad died. He never understood that. What else was he supposed to do? Fall apart? Be a burden on the rest of his family?

  Hayden was the first person in his life who made him question himself and his motives. She held up a mirror to his face and showed him that he wasn’t the perfect person everyone always praised him for being. She saw more than the great son, great brother, great student, great athlete, great friend, everyone always told him he was. It was all great . . . bullshit.

  The guy from the other night opened the door—Alex, he thought, Hayden’s mom’s friend.

  “Hey there, man.” The guy held up his fist for Nolan to bump like they were old friends.

  He swallowed back his distaste and asked, “Is Hayden home?”

  “Ah, yeah. I think she’s getting ready for work.” He stepped back and shouted through the house, “Hayden! You got company, sweet cheeks!”

  Nolan winced. The guy really was a douchebag.

  Hayden emerged, looking like she would enjoy hitting her mother’s boyfriend. She paused as her gaze turned on Nolan, and that expression on her face didn’t even alter one tiny bit. Great. He was in the same class as this creep? That did not bode well for him.

  Without a word, she strode out onto the front porch. Nolan took it upon himself to close the front door in Alex’s face. He followed Hayden to the end of the porch, where she waited for him with her arms across her chest.

  “Hi.”

  She gave him a disgusted look. “You came over here to say hi? I don’t have time for hellos. I’m going to be late for work.”

  “I want to talk to you. About the other night. I’m sorry about the way things went down—”

  “What are you doing here, Nolan?”

  Frustration crept into his voice. “I’m trying to get things right—”

  “Really? You shouldn’t be worrying about me. I don’t matter.”

  He flinched. “Why would you say—”

  Again, a disgusted look crossed her face. “Why don’t you start by trying to fix things a little closer to home?”

  His shoulders tensed. “Meaning?”

  “Oh, Nolan. You’re many things, but not stupid. No one could ever make that accusation.”

  “Why do I feel as though I should be insulted right now?”

  “Fix things at home. Fix things with your sister. Fix things with Beau. Forget about me.” She patted the center of her chest for emphasis.

  It was his turn to laugh. “Forget about you. That’s funny.” He shook his head.

  “Don’t do that.” She stabbed a finger in the air. “Don’t act like I’m somehow as important to you as they are.” She stepped closer so that her fingertip pushed him in the chest. “I said, forget me and concentrate on them. Fix it with them.”

  “Oh, that’s funny. You want me to fix things at home?” He waved toward her house. “You can’t even do that. You just live your life like an ostrich with your head buried in the sand, like you can’t see what’s going on around you . . . like nothing can get to you.”

  “Stop analyzing me!” Her eyes blazed. “Take care of your own shit before you cast stones. Your sister and Beau are so into each other. Are you just blind to that? Why do you have to get in their way? What are you? The grand blocker of love?”

  Blocker of love? He mouthed the words at her. He didn’t even go into the irony of that. Hayden was as emotionally guarded as they come. She wouldn’t even let him like her.

  “Oh stop,” she snapped.

  “You mean I should just let Beau go after my sister? Fuck her and then toss her aside? Sorry. No. Not going to do that.”

  “Stop being so dramatic . .
. and gross.” She shook her head as though so disappointed in him. “You think so little of them. She’s your sister. She’s smart. He’s your best friend. You know him. He would never disrespect her.”

  He stared at her mutely, fury vibrating off him. He came here for her, not to defend himself to her. He didn’t want to hear this.

  She continued, “Will you be able to monitor the guys she dates in the future? You have to let go. Can you guarantee she’ll never go out with a douchebag? You won’t always be around, you know? What then?”

  “They won’t be Beau,” he said tightly. “I’ll know that.”

  “Yeah, they won’t.” She rubbed her face. “You don’t see it.” She dropped her hands. “Let me be blunt.”

  “Because you haven’t been?”

  “Why don’t you stop being selfish and get out of Emmaline and Beau’s way before you lose them both? And while right now you think you’re fine without Beau, I don’t think that’s true. And your sister will resent you forever if you take this choice from her. If Beau is a mistake, he’s hers to make.”

  The words resonated with him and he hated that. He wasn’t ready to admit she was right and that he might be wrong on this. “For someone who doesn’t like me butting into her life, you sure do enjoy butting into mine.”

  She cocked her head at an angle. “You’re the one standing on my front porch. You drove over here and knocked on my door.”

  True—she had a point. He had asked for this. But he didn’t have to stay to listen to another word, even if all the words coming from her were making him think that maybe he was wrong and she was right—at least when it came to Beau and Emmaline.

  Maybe if she had family that she cared about, who relied on her and she relied on them, she would understand, but he wasn’t that big of a dick to point that out to her.

  Instead, he did what she wanted.

  He turned and hopped off her porch and headed toward his truck. “You’re right,” he called. “I came over here, but I won’t make that mistake again.”