The Me I Meant to Be Page 21

  GIRL CODE #30:

  Because sometimes even best friends fail you—​it’s okay to break down.

  Flor

  I pushed through the hall, desperate to escape.

  Willa and Zach . . . Zach and Willa.

  I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The betrayal cut deep through me.

  How long had this been going on? My ears rang with a pealing, unremitting buzz.

  I thought back to the two of them. All the times I had seen them together. How close they were. They’d always had a special friendship. Obviously closer and more special than I realized.

  “Flor!”

  I ignored the sound of my name, pushing through a set of side doors that led to the courtyard. I could escape to the parking lot from here. Escape Willa chasing after me, maybe escape the pain, too . . . the knife in my back that felt like it was digging and grinding into bone.

  “Flor! Wait!” She was right behind me. Her hand came down on my arm and I turned around swiftly, shrugging off her touch like it was something that burned.

  “How long?” I choked. “Is this why he broke up with me? Have you two been going around behind my back all this time?”

  Her eyes widened. “No! God, no! It just happened.”

  “‘Just happened’?” I sneered. “How very cliché.”

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I tried to stop it. I tried—”

  “Oh my God,” I choked. “Aren’t you so tragic?” I looked up at the sky, blinking against the morning sunlight. “You’re Romeo and Juliet, fated lovers, unable to resist each other.”

  “Flor, please.”

  I looked back down at her. “Maybe you’ll both eat poison.”

  She blinked like I’d slapped her. “Please, Flor.”

  For the briefest moment, I felt bad for saying such an ugly thing . . . until I remembered the pain. Until I felt it burn a fire through me.

  I shook my head slowly side to side, blinking long and hard. “And that stupid girl code we’ve been writing?” I let out a harsh laugh. “Pretty ridiculous, right? You must have been laughing inside at that. Sisters before misters and all that bullshit.”

  “I would never! I didn’t want this.” Her lips worked a moment before she confessed, “I’ve had feelings for Zach all my life.”

  “Oh? Funny you never mentioned that to me before.”

  “I didn’t think there was any point. I didn’t think Zach and I would ever . . .” Her voice faded, and she dropped her head to stare down at her feet, and I knew then. She loved him. “There’s still no point.” She lifted her chin like a stoic soldier about to march to her death. “We’re not a thing. We’re not dating. We’re just friends.”

  “I heard him, Willa. I saw his face. You’re either lying to me or yourself. And you know what . . . I don’t care. I don’t care about either one of you anymore. Because really . . . who needs this?” I motioned between us.

  “Please don’t say that.” Her face twisted and reddened. “I’m your friend.”

  “I don’t need a friend like you.”

  “You have to believe me. I didn’t want to hurt you. I would never hurt you—”

  “No? Well, you did.”

  Willa reached for my arm. I flinched as her hand brushed my skin. Shaking my head, I yanked my arm away.

  “Please, don’t do this. We’ve been friends ever since elementary school. That’s a long time. Don’t throw us away.”

  “You’re right. It has been a long time, but you did this.” I stabbed an accusing finger at her. “Not me.”

  The sight of her was too much. Right now I needed to get away.

  I couldn’t trust anyone. First my parents . . . now Zach and Willa. I had never felt so alone in my life. Never so lost. Just staring at her, my supposed best friend, made me sick.

  “I can’t look at you. I can’t hear your voice right now or see your face.” I sucked in a thick breath and pushed it past my lips, wondering when it had become so difficult to breathe. “I need you to stay away from me.”

  I turned and fled. Clutching the strap of my backpack, I escaped through the courtyard and into the parking lot, weaving through cars, not even caring that all the windows faced out to the lot and countless eyes watched me run from school like some scared little rabbit.

  I was almost to my car when I heard the distant shout of my name. It was a guy’s voice. I tensed and turned, convinced that if it was Zach, I might get in my car and run him over in my present mood.

  It was one thing for him to break up with me, but then to hook up with Willa . . . to ruin that friendship for me. He deserved no less.

  Grayson jogged toward me, stopping when he reached me. “You okay?”

  “You heard?”

  He winced. “It’s the only thing anyone is talking about.”

  “People need to get a life.”

  “It’s high school.” He shrugged, his eyes moving over me in concern. “That won’t happen until after graduation.”

  “I guess it’s fitting. First my mother moves out, then my dad gets a girlfriend and wants me to move out—”

  “Wait, your dad wants you to move out?”

  I kept talking, tears burning my eyes. “And then I find out my best friend is hooking up with my ex behind my back. God knows how long that has been going on.” I laughed brokenly. “That’s probably why he dumped me.” I waved my arms wide at my sides. “I’m pretty much the girl that keeps getting crapped on.”

  “Flor.” He stepped forward and touched my face, his thumb brushing my cheek in a tender motion. “Things will turn around for you. Good things will happen—”

  I kissed him. Hard and hungry, willing him to be that good thing for me right then.

  For a moment his lips didn’t move under mine, so I slanted my mouth over his and licked the seam of his lips, needy, desperate for him to kiss me back. To want me.

  For someone to want me.

  He relented. His arms came around me and hauled me against him. Which was just as well. I was about to climb all over him. I leaned into him, throwing off our balance. We staggered, colliding into a car.

  I didn’t care. He leaned back on the hood and I practically crawled on top of him, kissing him deeper.

  “Flor,” he muttered against my mouth.

  I made a sound and continued to kiss him, glad, relieved for the heat of his mouth, the texture of his hands against my skin. I didn’t feel nearly so alone with our mouths fused together.

  His hands circled my arms. “Flor, wait.”

  “Why?” I gasped, staring at him in a fog. “You want me. I know you do. I want you, too.” Fortunately the pain was a dull throb now, replaced by my desire for Grayson. He could make me feel better. Make me hurt less. I went for his lips again.

  “Flor, stop.” He peeled my arms from around his neck.

  I jerked at his firm tone, feeling like a scolded child. I scowled up at him.

  His dark eyes moved over me, the morning sun glinting off his glasses. “You’re right. I do want you. But not like this. Not right now. Right now you don’t know what you really want—”

  A bitter breath escaped me. “Are you kidding me? Do you know how insulting that is? Poor little me doesn’t know her own mind!”

  “That’s not what I mean. I’m just saying you’re in a bad place today.”

  I stared at him with wide eyes, unblinking. “For a smart guy, you’re really stupid. I’ve been into you from the first time you showed up at my house.” It occurred to me that for once I was having no problem opening up. Speaking my mind. That had been Zach’s chief complaint about me, but then, it had always been like that with Grayson. I’d told him things I hadn’t told anyone. With Grayson I said exactly what was on my mind.

  He stared at me with an expression of complete bewilderment.

  “Forget it.” I whirled around.

  He was rejecting me. Like everything else that was failing in my life.

  Ten minutes ago I hadn’t thought I coul
d hurt any worse. I was in a bad place? Yeah, you could say that. I was in this awful, soul-sucking place where light couldn’t thrive, stars didn’t shine. I had thought, hoped, he might make it better for me. That he might pull me out of the darkness and be that light. But he wasn’t. He made it all worse.

  “Flor!”

  I heard my name again but didn’t stop, didn’t look back at him. I didn’t want to listen to him anymore. The pain was back, even more intense now.

  There were hard footsteps behind me. A hand on my shoulder spun me around.

  I hissed out a breath at the sight of his face. When had it become so beautiful to me? So necessary?

  “I want us to happen,” Grayson growled.

  “You sure don’t act like it.” I looked away, searching for my car. Better that than looking at his face.

  He reached for me and hauled me against him, kissing me . . . bewildering the hell out of me.

  And yet I kissed him back, euphoria blossoming in my chest.

  “Flor.” He pulled back slightly to talk against my mouth, his breath falling raggedly. “I’m into you, too. So much.” His hands framed my face and I swore I could feel the pulse of his heartbeat through his palms. “I just want to matter. I want us to matter—”

  “You’ve mattered to me before today happened. I was so excited to come to school to see you.”

  His dark eyes roamed my face. “I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.”

  I choked on a laugh.

  “I never date. It’s school and work and fighting. This is new, and it’s a scary thing,” he added.

  “What’s a scary thing?” I whispered, needing to hear it from his lips.

  “Trusting someone with your heart.”

  Didn’t I know that? I’d just been burned by my best friend.

  He continued, “My plan was to get out of here. Escape. I wasn’t supposed to fall for a girl way out of my league.”

  I shook my head, hating that he thought that. It wasn’t true. “I’m not.”

  His dark eyes fixed on me, hands flexing on my shoulders. “Flor.”

  My breath caught at the intense way he was looking at me, his dark eyes full of determination and something else. Something I’d never seen in any guy’s eyes before. “Grayson,” I whispered back.

  I felt raw inside, open and exposed. But gazing at him, that wasn’t all I felt.

  There was hope.

  GIRL CODE #31:

  Love makes you do crazy things. Try not to judge.

  Willa

  THE rest of the day went by in an agonizing blur. There were the stares and whispers. My friends gave me a wide berth.

  Ava bumped into me in the hall. It wasn’t accidental. Her shoulder collided with mine, knocking me into the lockers. She looked down at me with spite in her eyes. “And you told me not to fool around with Zach. Bitch.”

  I just wanted the day to be over.

  If I wasn’t already in trouble, I would have skipped school like Flor had done. Mom wouldn’t forgive that, though.

  As soon as school ended, I hopped on the bus for home. I hadn’t taken the bus since sophomore year, but I didn’t imagine any of my friends would give me a ride home today. I definitely wasn’t going to get a ride with Zach, either. Even if I didn’t mind being in an enclosed space with him right now, I wasn’t about to wait around for an hour and a half for practice to let out.

  When I got home, no one was there. Chloe and Mia were gone. A note on the fridge said they’d gone to get groceries. That was a first. Chloe chipping in and doing a chore that usually fell to Mom or me.

  I grabbed a Coke from the fridge and took refuge in my bedroom, glad for the solitude.

  I opened my laptop and went straight to Netflix. I scrolled through my shows and then clicked on Freaks and Geeks. It seemed an appropriate show to lose myself in . . . the drama was slightly more than what was happening in my own life. Only slightly. But it wasn’t my life, so there was that. Anything was better than my life right now.

  Footsteps sounded on the stairs and I sighed. Chloe was already home. Great. I’d been hoping for a longer reprieve.

  A knock sounded on my door. Maybe it was Mom. Chloe never knocked. “Come in.”

  Zach stepped inside.

  I froze with my Coke can halfway to my lips. “Why aren’t you at practice?”

  He was wearing his athletic clothes, the hair at his temples damp with sweat. “Left early.”

  “I didn’t think you could do that.”

  “I wanted to talk to you. You weren’t at lunch.”

  “That would be because I was hiding. After your little scene this morning, I pretty much had to hide.”

  He closed his eyes in a pained blink. “I’m sorry. It shouldn’t have happened that way. I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that.”

  “That we’re a thing? Yeah, you shouldn’t have.” I lifted my laptop off my lap and scooted off the bed. “How could you do that?”

  He shrugged. “Because Hayden is a jackass and he needed to know that you and I are together.”

  I blinked, pretty certain that had never been established. “No. We’re not.”

  He straightened. “No?” He pointed at himself. “Have I just been kidding myself, then?” He waved between us. “What do you call this? What do you call what we’ve been doing?”

  “An experiment! Isn’t that what you said?”

  He sighed and shook his head. “Forget I said that, okay? I wish I never had! I said it just so I could kiss you again. I wanted to convince you, and I didn’t think you’d be ready to hear that I might want something more from you than friendship.”

  Might.

  He wasn’t sure. He was still using words like might because he knew what was happening with us was nothing more than the experiment he first proposed.

  “Friendship is enough for me.” I crossed my arms. “It should be enough for you.”

  “Stop being so afraid, Willa.”

  I scoffed. “Afraid? Of what?”

  “Of us. Afraid that you might want more. Afraid that you might actually be in love with me.”

  Panic squeezed my heart. That was a foregone conclusion. I’d always been in love with him. I just didn’t want him to know it. He couldn’t know it.

  “I’m not,” I lied. “That’s not it at all. I have loyalty to Flor. I’ve already broken girl code—”

  “Fuck girl code!”

  I gasped.

  He continued. “It’s just an excuse. You hide behind it because you don’t want to take a chance on us. This isn’t about some stupid code that doesn’t acknowledge things like real life and that gray areas exist. This isn’t about Flor, either. Flor has nothing to do with this.” He cut a hand fiercely through the air. “This is all you . . . and your insecurities keeping us apart.”

  I stared at him. Words failed me. I felt stripped bare, exposed, raw and bleeding in front of him, but he wouldn’t stop. He kept going, hurling ugly truths at me that I couldn’t escape or dodge.

  He stalked forward. “What I feel for you I’ve never felt for anyone.” His gaze flicked over my face. “I know you feel it too. It’s just a shame we’re both going to miss out on something good, something great, even, because you’re too much of a coward.”

  I opened my mouth, working my lips to say something, anything, to prove him wrong.

  He pointed to my window, where his house loomed just beyond. “I’ll be waiting where I’ve always been. Right next door. Any time you want to start living, I’ll be there. You have me, Willa, whether you want me or not.” His gray eyes cut through me, brilliant and deep and sharp as glass. He saw everything. He knew me. “I’m yours.”

  He turned away then and walked from the room. I heard his footsteps fade on the stairs.

  I moved to the window and parted the curtains to look outside, marveling at what my life had become. Flor hated me. Zach and I were . . . well, not friends. I was grounded indefinitely and my mother was treating me like I was her great shame.<
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  I watched as Zach crossed the lawn to his driveway, his strides swift and sure. He was always so sure, so confident in everything. I envied that. Maybe if I were confident in my decisions I wouldn’t be in this situation, and Zach wouldn’t think I was a coward.

  And I wouldn’t be starting to think he was right about that.

  I mulled that over all night and well into the next day. I drifted through all my classes, walking in a fog through the halls, lost in my thoughts.

  I wasn’t so unaware of my surroundings, though, that I did not notice the whispers were less, as were the stares. Jenna said hello to me in the hall with only sight hesitation. There was still wariness in her gaze, as though she did not quite know if she should be talking to me.

  I spotted Flor once. Our gazes locked across the cafeteria. There was nothing in her stare. Cold blankness. She didn’t smile or wave or try to approach me, and my heart sank. Was it really over, then? Had I lost her forever? And was I going to lose Zach, too?

  Was I such a coward I would let that happen?

  The answer came to me during the last period of the day. I was sitting in English. The classroom had a view of the football field, and the team had athletics that same period.

  I easily identified Zach practicing on the field, kicking the ball. English class was the extent of my football watching. I didn’t do the games, scrimmages, or practices. People, especially girlfriends, actually came out to watch the team and support them during practices. I always rolled my eyes at that. As though games weren’t enough.

  The bell rang and I gathered my things. I exited the building but didn’t head to the buses. I marched straight to the football field.

  I hesitated at the fence, flexing a sweating hand around the strap of my backpack. Shouts and grunts and padded bodies crashed into each other on the turf, the sounds congesting the air. Coaches shouted and whistles blew.

  I sucked in a breath and headed for the bleachers. Girlfriends were filing in, many accompanied by friends. They took their spots. Several looked at me curiously. They were clearly regulars and they knew I wasn’t. The ones who knew the rumors were easy to mark. They pointed at me and then quickly leaned in to whisper among their friends.